Waste not, want not

The Beloved Kim flipped through the mail and found a large envelope. South Bend Residents, Please Take Note! Lawn Analysis Enclosed For (our address)!

The good people of Scotts Lawn Service have gone through all the trouble to carefully look over our lawn, and analyze just what it is we need to make sure it's as lush and green as the verge growing on the fertile soil of Paris Hilton's Inner Thigh. We, too, can have the kind of lawn that would make Hank Hill run off and masturbate with gorilla-like fury. Behold, my neighbors! Come forth, green with envy, and bask in the majesty of my lawn...carefully and scientifically created to exact wonderfullness by the good people of Scotts...who spent plenty of money on a thick envelope full of detailed lawn analysis!

Despite the fact that I live in an apartment...and have no lawn.

Bravo the wasteful American Way! Next...can you tell my how to combat my vaginal dryness?