if i were lance armstrong...

...well, obviously, the first thing I would do would be fuck Sheryl Crow again. A lot. Sorry, I know she's kinda got the horse-face thing going to a small degree but she's a beautiful person inside and out with a lot of talent who would be into my body. What kind of cad says no to this?

(As it stands, I am NOT Lance Armstrong and I'm married with no complaints...moving on...)

Second, I would train like Rocky IV. I would push myself to the limits, short of injury, and get plenty of cardio time in, with and without Sheryl...mostly with. Because I would have work to do next summer.

The French...who would have loved nothing more than a large lorry running down Lance Armstrong in the Alps...are still all over this alleged steroid use by the 7-time Tour de Lance winner. He's been villified in the press everywhere but the USA, and if it were me, I know exactly what I would do.

You think I'd dominated that race last year? This year I'd lead every goddamn leg of it. C;mon...i whupped cancer's ass AND won your Ironman Race 7 consecutive goddamn times, you bastards. The 8th time would be a skate. And each time when I went up to get my yellow jersey, giant cheese-scented Teddy Bear, and bouquet of flowers that smell like a Vichy Whore's Armpit...there would be no waving for the cameras. There would be no interviews.

Not

a

damn

word.

No pre-race chats, not even with ESPN. No words from anyone on my team, no endorsement or acknowledgement of squat. Fuck all of you. Fuck France in it's all-too-willing asshole. Get a President who isn't an embarassment and loses you the Olympics when you seemed to be a cinch to get them. Get Figure Skating officials who won't accept cash and fuck up the Pairs Medalling because Russia dangled baubles and vodka and god knows what. In fact...just die. All of you. I'm here to win a race again, but this time, I'm rubbing your pale, unshaven, pox-laden faces in it.

Enjoy the view of my back tire. Because this time, it really IS the last time you'll see it. And after I'm gone, after I've won #8 and started fucking Sheryl full-time...no one outside of your borders will give two shits and a fuck for this race, period.

Blow me. I've still got one ball full of mangravy in there...

I'm Lance Goddamn Armstrong. Show me some respect.