Friday, September 02, 2005

Rocky VI

A discussion rages on Fark today about the Rocky VI movie. This nugget was posted by a Farker named Ralpho69. Makes some great points. Thought it was worth repeating...

Hey, did anyone else notice that Rocky's intelligence is directly correlated to how much money he has? Let's crunch the numbers...

Savings = $3 and half a container of turtle food.
Int - 4 ( -2 )
Status - "Locker-Room Rocky"
Comment - " know..if you..uhhhhh...wanted to...maybe we you out sometime?...uhh...."

Rocky 2
Savings = ~ $50 000
Int - 8 ( -1 )
Status - "Athlete Rocky"
Comment - Hey...he's getting better. He was able to film a deoderant commercial and managed to croak out the words "I do" at his own wedding...almost a functioning conversationalist.

Rocky 3
Savings = $1-2 million
Int - 14 ( +1 )
Status - "Role Model Rocky"
Comment - Rocko has hitched his wagon to a star. He's comfortable in front of the camera, is doing interviews, Not only is he speaking clearly, and making big decisions, but he's got the stones to let bygones be bygones by burying the hatchet with Apollo. He defeats Clubber by taunting him, and wearing him down. Locker-Room Rocky ( Rocky 1 ) would've killed to get a look at Role Model Rocky's playbook...and have a themesong as catchy and influential as Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger".

Rocky 4
Savings = $10 million +
Int - 19 (+3)
Status - "Saint Rocky"
Comment - OMG! Rocky has transcended Role Model status and become a saint. It's a treat to hear Rocko languidly speak in this one...his every word as inspirational as a carefully planned presidential speech, as musical as poetry. I'm not sure if I remember correctly, but I believe he dishes out some psychologist-style counselling for Apollo early on in the flick. Wonder where he got the robot? ( I don't remember seeing that robot for sale in the 80's, and we all know that robot's in the 80's looked like Johnny 5 ) He invented it. Pure and simple. Rocky has found time to finish degrees in Electrical and Mechanical Engineering, and is a bit of a pilgrim in the 80's A.I. movement. More about his sainthood, he avenges the death of his friend by calling down the wrath of God to defeat the proverbial Goliath ( Ivan Drago ) and then ends the cold war by making a speech about the East and West ( Gorbachev is the first to stand up and start clapping ). Having gone as high as he could go, one can only go down.

Rocky 5
Savings = $4, 2 cufflinks and half a container of turtle food
Int - 5 ( -2 )
Status - "Back-Alley Rocky"
Comment - Ouch. How the mighty have fallen. We find out in the movie that Rocky suffers brain damage after the fight with Drago...but what REALLY happened was as the fight was going on, Pauly was losing the family fortune. With each dollar gone, Rocky got dumber. Suddenly, Rocky becomes a dead-beat-Dad, his voice curdles, from 1% milk to 2% to homo to home-farmed cream. The slurring comes back. " knocked him down now...why don't you try knocking me down now..." "Down now" twice in the same sentence?? Saint Rocky would've banished Back-Alley Rocky for that one.In conclusion, the Rocky movies are a fantastic piece of late 70's to 80's Americana that should be viewed yearly by everyone. Next time you see them, for fun, draw your own $/time and Int/time graphs, and marvel at the identical curves.

- Ralpho


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